It was revealed today that the sucessful ITV 1, 2, 3 and 4 The Jeremy Kyle Show has been using a faulty lie detector in a host of shows thought to be in the region of thousands.
The 'truth' was found when the lie detector, while in temporary storage at ITV HQ, was stolen from the storage cupboard by Rigorio Rios, 32, a Spanish canteen worker. Rigorio undertook a series of tests on himself and found that despite telling the truth, the machine told him he was a fibber.
"First, I ask the machine where I am working. I say 'I am working in canteen for ITV and make mash and sausage' and the machine tell me I lie. At first I laugh because I always make sausage and I am thinking perhaps the machine like to joke. Then I say 'I am living in Buckingham Palace and the Queen make me tea for 3 fish an hour' and the machine say I honest! I laugh. I tell Maria and she fall off chair"
After confronting ITV executives with his discoveries, a comprehensive system check was carried out on the machine by dedicated ITV scientists who found that the machine chose at random the truth and the naughty fibicle. Lead scientist, Bernard Watermelon, 47, said "We never had a need to check the machine before because it always seemed to be correct and no one objected to the results. But this has now given us a serious problem because, like...you know....well, it just has"
Jeremy Kyle - Smug fucker
The main problem with this discovery is the 2432 episodes the machine was used in. ITV have logged numerous complaints from previous guests since the news, many of which are now single and unhappy and have had their reputation tainted in their local communities, although it has not been established whether this is due to the detector or the appearance on Jeremy Kyle itself. Upon asking what he intended to do about this blunder, executive producer Nigel Holmes said "Well, we will re-film all of the episodes affected in the coming season. I wish this hadnt happened though. Its a real kick in the bollocks".
Jeremy Kyle denied to comment on the scandal although upon being asked whether he would apologise to the guests he taunted and ridiculed throughout the 2000+ episodes he replied "Will I fuck".
There are sure to be heads on the chopping block at ITV after this incredible case of negligence. Rigorio added, "I just happy I can make mash again. Maria and I live quiet life in the Middlesex. I honest."
Rigorio has never met the Queen.
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